In honor of Christmas Eve, I picked up a holiday classic often found on every “worst movie of all times” list. Santa Claus Conquers the Martians (1964) tells the harrowing tale of children Billy and Betty, siblings who are kidnapped by Martians. The Martian ship has come to Earth because they are seeking Santa Claus.
To understand what is wrong with their children, the Martian council consults the great Chochem, who explains that the only way to help their children is to give them freedom and let them have fun, instead of educating through tubes in their brain and watching Earth television. The problem is, nobody knows how to let the children have their freedom. Further considering this idea, Kilmar sees news broadcasts from Earth about Santa’s late-night flight, and how happy he makes children.
After kidnapping Billy and Betty, Kilmar and Bomar learn where Santa’s home is, and travel to the North Pole to kidnap Santa Claus as well. While the elves and Mrs. Claus are frozen, Santa and the children are taken to Mars where Santa will have a new, automated shop with machines that will build the toys Martian children write Santa about.
Meanwhile, Bomar has his own opinion about this Christmas plan, planning to kill Santa Claus and cancel the toy project. After several failed attempts on board the spaceship, Bomar kidnaps Santa in the workshop in the middle of the night. Unbeknownst to him, Domar, the goofy member of the crew, was dressing and acting like Santa, close enough that nobody noticed the obvious differences. After catching Bomar in the act, he is outcast. Kilmar realizes that they already have their own Martian Santa in the group, and Domar can help them just as much as Santa.
What makes this movie a Christmas classic is that it does what all holiday movies do – proves that the Christmas spirit is within us all, and we don’t need presents or decorations to make it so. It also has what many great movies have, which is a misleading title. While the title may state the fact that Santa conquers the Martians, it is actually the other way around. The Martians both kidnap and force Santa to do manual labor. Even When Santa leaves, it is only after an agreement between the two parties.
As with most horrible films I love, I first saw this on a late-night horror movie show, later seen once again on MST3K. While the rough film quality made it appear to have been colorized from a black and white copy, I recently learned that the film was originally released in color, making the quality even more mysterious. Thankfully, an HD version of the film is available on YouTube (especially as my VHS copy of it chose to die), so the viewing experience is even more enjoyable.
Watch as a human-sized polar bear fails to attack children inside a cave. See Mrs. Claus put into stasis by a robot. Ponder how many nutrients are in a Martian pill meal. Question how long a Martian day actually is if Santa can both leave and return on Christmas Eve. There’s so much to see as you watch with your family this holiday season.