Best Geeky Finds – Review: Santa’s Slay (2005)

bestgeekyfindsToday may be the day after Christmas, but it’s not too late to watch holiday movies. Why not a horror comedy? If you’re not ready for something like Krampus (I’m certainly not), why not delve into a premise even more ridiculous? Santa’s Slay (rated R) is based on one simple premise where Santa Claus (WWE Heavyweight Bill Goldberg) is actually Satan’s son. Around the same time Christ was born, a child was born on Earth from one of Satan’s flings. This child, named Santa (who else?), did what any other demon would do — create havoc and torture all around him. Everything changed one particular Christmas night though. The story goes that:

The townspeople would have a mass of Christ, or a Christ-mas, where they would pray to their Lord. One year, God sent one of His angels down from the Heavens. The angel took the form of an old man. He encountered the young, ill-tempered Santa not far from his home. Santa was ice-fishing with his elves on a frozen lake. Knowing the Santa was a gambling sort, the angel challenged him to a contest. The contest was a simple one: Who could slide a rock across the lake and land it closest to the ice fissure, without the rock falling in. If Santa won the contest, he would deliver the old man to his father for an eternity of pain and suffering! If the old man won the contest, Santa would not only have to cease the Day of Slaying for the next thousand years – but would also have to turn the other Day of Slayings into a Day of Joy. Santa thought this was as close to a close shave as could be – there was no way a mere mortal was going to defeat him in anything! Santa was so sure of himself that he went first! His rock landed as close as it could be to the hole without going in. Next it was the old man’s turn. The old man’s rock slid slowly along. It came to rest touching Santa’s rock with just enough momentum to push Santa’s stone all the way into the hole! The old man had won.

If you think the movie has been spoiled by reading that… you might be correct. Of course, this bet happened in the year 1005, so on this particular Christmas day Santa is free from his curse to be holly and jolly and instead seeks vengeance on all those who have been naughty, including those who have wronged him over the years.

santas-slay1Meanwhile, 16-year-old Nicholas (Douglas Smith) tries to survive his life in Hell Township where the community thinks his grandfather (Robert Culp) is crazy. His grandfather, held up in a bunker under his house, hates Christmas because he knows the truth about Santa. How does he know this? Well you may have already guessed that by reading the above passage. When Nicholas realizes that Santa is real and killing people he cares about, he and his girlfriend Mac (Emile De Ravin) try to take him on and save the city from his wrath.

This is an absurd black comedy involving everybody and everything getting destroyed by Santa and his hell-reindeer, including strippers, religious nutcases, rednecks, disrespecting kids, and even Jewish people (though he proves at times he is willing to allow some people to live). The gore is campy in this film and all murder that happens is usually off screen as it happens due to what appears to be lack of available special effects. What brought me to the movie was its ridiculous premise, but what kept me watching was the opening scene where a family is celebrating Christmas, but the head of the family is Fran Drescher. These types of bizarre characters are strung throughout the movie.

Considering all the modern pop-culture Santa stories involving murder (e.g., The Santa Clause), this is a fun take for those who are not seeking a family-friendly Disney movie. After watching this, I recommend watching any of the specials I have mentioned in the last two weeks. It’s never too late to watch Christmas shows… except for October. That month is already taken.

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